During moments of personal or professional crisis, my first and only instinct has been to fix the problem by leaning hard into nihilism, reminding myself that in the end, nothing really matters; human relationships are largely immaterial; and at the end of the day, we are all going to die alone. This line of thinking, which is irrefutably true in the grand scheme of things, generally works to fix whatever’s broken. Take the good with the bad and trudge on, but don’t dare invest an ounce of your heart, because disappointment lurks around every corner. Prepare for the worst, expect the best, and come out somewhere in the middle.
, in an attempt to craft the kind of rock-hard, steely-eyed exterior that I hoped, in a youthfully misguided way, would serve as inoculation against the various terrors the world proffers daily. Affecting an ironic and detached nihilism about anything and everything under the sun works to a certain point because it smooths the edges of difficulty. It’s a necessary self-soothing tactic designed to prevent the discomfort of real emotion and a way to shut up anxiety about anything.
mechanism calls up the very notion of death and what it means to actually cease existing: a fear that has, occasionally, kept me up at nights when I have improperly timed the consumption of an edible and have gravely misjudged its strength. Ruminating over life’s greatest mystery, though, When the very system of self-maintenance breaks, the panic that ensues is real. In a free-fall, I turn to methods that I had previously shunned. Meditation temporarily eases the bad feeling enough to be able to function on a daily basis. I engage in fact-finding missions that are essentially an attempt to cobble together a version of the truth that makes sense not only to me, but to others as well.
No one likes being called out on their shit, especially by a shame researcher with a Southern accent and an affinity for statement necklaces. The point is that by exposing your emotional truths to someone, they will be encouraged to do the same in return, emboldened by your generosity of spirit. As an aphorism of sorts, this theory resonates, but the trouble is that there is absolutely no guarantee that the results will be in your favor. Exposing emotional truths to the jerk that cut on line at the bagel shop might feel nice for you, but it certainly does not guarantee a positive outcome. According to Brown, that doesn’t matter.
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