Advice: Witnessing a charmed marriage leaves an ache of missing out
As happy as I am for my brother, this has fomented a sense of desperate loneliness in me. I want that kind of home and family. Where I live, I could never afford a house, and I’ve dated extensively for the past decade but have never even come close to finding that sort of relationship. I can’t stop feeling sorry for myself!It feels like it’s acceptable to set professional and financial goals, but somehow embarrassing to have a goal of a happy marriage.
Where do I start with this? I know comparing my life to my brother’s is a loser’s game, but here we are.: Well, wait. A “goal of a happy marriage” may be a nonstarter, because 50 percent is beyond your control And it doesn’t have to involve marriage, even, because connection comes in so many forms. It’s the fact of connection that sustains us, be it from a romantic partner or a best friend or a friend group or colleagues or a child or nieces/nephews or other family or a mentor/mentee or ____.
These moves alone can make a rewarding life. They also position you to add to it in the most fulfilling ways.I think we sometimes mistake the internal feelings we are missing and craving for their external manifestations in others — for example, home doesn’t have to mean a house, connection doesn’t only come through marriage . It’s another form of judging our insides by other’s outsides.
And don’t discount the fact that you’re having a bit of a delayed grief reaction to the changes in your relationship with your brother. I cried and cried the day my brother got married, just because I knew things would be changing. Even good change can bring a sense of loss.
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Advice | Carolyn Hax: Witnessing a charmed marriage leaves an ache of missing outA letter-writer aches to be married after witnessing the 'incredible emotional intimacy' of a brother and his wife.
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