A parent planned to share news gradually of a just-discovered adult daughter, until a defiant niece told the world.
A niece came upon the site and asked my brother about it. I told him I was trying to meet her after exchanging emails. I asked the niece not to approach her, but she ignored me and had lunch with her.
There is now a huge estrangement between my brother/his family and mine. He says his family is “100 percent blameless” and demands I apologize to her. His argument? The lunch was great, so what’s the big deal?Was this solely my story to tell? Did the niece cross boundaries, especially after I asked her not to? I wanted privacy.
Worse, it would extend and legitimize the wrong path of your current reasoning. There is no “privacy” about a human being’s existence. This discovered daughter is yours in genetic terms but not yours in a sense of ownership. She has agency, ideas, her own interests, her own right to be heard, seen, welcomed, her own channels to the rest of your — her — family. You never controlled this. It was never your information alone for which to carefully orchestrate the release.
Regardless: To get caught up in her methods — or in your clear and understandable discomfort with so much change at once — is to miss the more salient point of inevitability.People do need time to absorb profound disruptions. I am not anti-feelings or dismissive of shock. I am simply pro-understanding that events will rush onward and dealing with feelings privately vs. vainly trying, ragefully failing, to slow the onrush of events.
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