Forced to use technology during Covid-19, I discovered surprising new ways to help couples. What I learned can make you a better partner.
It is not difficult to extend the lessons I’ve learned in my virtual sessions to every couple in their own homes. My advice is to begin by not talking—literally learn to “mute” yourself. Pausing to actively listen is not our instinct; we rush to tell our side of the story. But when you create space for silence, you listen more. That reduces assumptions about your partner and encourages greater empathy and deeper intimacy.
The second lesson I derived from Zoom is that removing yourself temporarily from an escalating conflict is critical. When things get tough, the best solution is often not to jump into the ring to duke it out, but to retreat to your respective corners. Because my Zoom couples are often beaming in from different locations, it becomes a relatively simple matter for one of them to end a session. In real life, fight often takes precedence over flight, but it shouldn’t.
Jocelyn Charnas, who sees couples in Manhattan and specializes in premarital therapy, was not surprised that simply changing positions could elicit such dramatic results. “All couples have bad relational cycles, and there’s rarely any breathing room between the components of those cycles. Any way we can provide space between the components can breed insight, compassion, and empathy. It’s the digging in that we are trying to move away from.
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