To Lose My Chronic Pain, I Had to Find My Rage

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To Lose My Chronic Pain, I Had to Find My Rage
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When our culture hits the “mute” button on women’s anger, it isn’t just silencing us; it is also torturing us, disabling us and killing us.

The pain started in my back, a part of my body I couldn’t see. Secreted away, yet cradled at the very center of my being: The back was, I’d later realize, a fitting storehouse for a lifetime of emotions that I was hiding from myself.

Chronic pain patients eventually learn the lyrics to a different tune, one that loops eternally in a minor key: new doctor, new treatment, no improvement. So, a month before my 29th birthday, I made two plans. The first was to undergo microdiscectomy surgery, a procedure whose prognosis was relatively unpromising for my pain presentation. The second—if the pain wasn’t helped by the operation—was to end my life.

Yet I couldn’t deny that the contours of my personality fit the TMS diagnostic criteria to a T. I had always been the unflappably cheery daughter, the gold-star-chasing student. I would later realize that these personality traits had been powerfully encouraged by the social conditioning of growing up girl in America. Women here are told early and often that expressing rage makes them unpleasant, unattractive, unfeminine. An angry man is strong or righteous; an angry woman is a bitch.

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