VALPARAISO, IN—Expressing concern that his summer vacation is too quickly passing him by, local incoming seventh-grader Matthew Valentine told reporters Tuesday he now has just two weeks left in which to acquire a cool new identity before school starts.
The 13-year-old acknowledged that he must dedicate all his remaining free time to developing a socially acceptable persona he can display to his classmates, noting that he still has a lot of work to do if he is to assemble a recognizable combination of attitudes, style choices, interests, and favorite bands that will win his peers’ approval during the upcoming school year.
“The clock is ticking, and I still haven’t figured out who I’m going to be yet,” said Valentine, adding that he hopes to remake himself as a popular kid, a scenester, a rebel, a hip-hop head, or a member of some other respected social category prior to his first day of classes at Thomas Jefferson Middle School. “At one point, I was going to try to come back as a skater punk, but I never did learn to skateboard, and after that I kind of lost track of the days.
The middle-schooler confirmed he is currently considering which speech patterns, mannerisms, clothing preferences, and hangout spots to adopt. He stressed that he must select between a variety of potential identities—from intellectual to class clown—carefully hone his presentation of his new personality, and then convincingly sell that persona to his fellow TJMS students when school starts.When you preorder the new Bespoke AI Washer and Dryer, you receive $500 in Samsung credit back.
Valentine also admitted to making a number of false starts during his three-month break from school, pointing to an aborted attempt to play summer sports and present himself as a jock, as well as four futile weeks spent trying to teach himself acoustic guitar, in hopes of becoming a sensitive artistic type.
Describing a catastrophic and speedily abandoned attempt to “go goth” after winter break last year, the seventh-grader said he had learned a valuable lesson about the consequences of not choosing a well-constructed identity before returning to school.
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