Dear Care and Feeding: How do I get her to see that this isn’t being a good friend?
I have a 10-year-old daughter, “Lucy,” who made a new friend, “Kate,” in school this year. Kate’s parents struggle with substance abuse issues. In the past she has bounced back and forth between living with other family members and one or the other of her parents. She is currently living with a cousin, and her family in a more permanent setup that is expected to end in adoption. I’ve gotten to know the cousin’s family, and they all seem like lovely people.
I’ve talked with her about addiction and how it can make people act in ways they never would if they were sober and we can be very hurt by their behaviors but still love them, even if we need to limit our contact with them in order to be safe. We’ve also talked more generally about adoption and foster care and how we can still love and miss people who have hurt us and cannot be a part of our lives.
Despite this, anytime Kate brings up her parents, my daughter tells her that she hates them and can’t understand why Kate doesn’t too. This causes Kate a lot of distress. At this point I’ve told Lucy that while she is free to share her thoughts and feelings about Kate’s parents with me, it is not her place to share them with Kate, and that being a good friend to her includes being a good listener and not telling others how they should feel.
She said, “I didn’t mean to, I just got so mad.” If history is any guide, even though the girls are upset with each other today, they will be begging to see each other again tomorrow . What can I do to help my daughter be a better friend?
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