Where does the history go when the relationship ends?
Photo: Remus Kotsell/Getty Images I twist the band on my left ring finger. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous.
How many times have I imagined this meeting in the past decade? How many versions have played through my mind — the angry, the passionate, the blasé version — now that we’ve both moved on, married other people, and had kids?We sit, surrounded by glossy tables in the overlit McDonald’s. The restaurant chain holds great significance for us. For our first Valentine’s Day together in the mid-1990’s, he tried to impress me by booking a swanky restaurant.
I was barely 19 the night we met, at a dorm party. I was punch-drunk and overconfident, lit up with a combination of cheap beer and his electric eyes searing through me. I told him I was going to be a writer someday.He was so handsome it was offensive. I had to back up to take it all in, his big brown eyes and broad shoulders. I steadied myself on the doorframe. “You know. The kinds of stories with love in the title. I’ll write things that’ll break your heart.
He leans forward: “Marriage is lonelier than I thought it would be.” He says it just above a whisper across the table. “It’s ‘til death do us part, but even after all these years, I feel her and I growing apart, not closer together.” I know the cost to asking these sorts of questions. I’m suddenly as angry as I was 13 years ago, feeling it all again. I’m betrayed by my emotions: If there is still this much anger, there must be a lot of love left, too.
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