'I wanted my death to mean the lights had gone out for a moment in somebody’s life. I wanted someone to grieve.'
a few weeks after my 16th birthday. A month after, I fell ill with a violent strain of malaria that attempted to take my limb function and my life along with it.As my mother held me on my hospital bed that night while I trembled from the pain of my body’s violence, she told me a story. “Her name was Jene,” she said while the hospital and the world outside moved about silently. She was the prettiest girl in her village, a mystical land where pain could be passed on to someone else.
In this village, however, illness could be given to another person to"hold" until the owner came back to collect it. “So someone could hold your illness while you went to take a test, or went shopping,” my mother said.Jene’s best friend, knowing how much being queen meant to her, offered to hold Jene’s illness so she could join the parade. A now-healthy Jene made her way to the palace where the king, promptly blinded by her beauty, married her. She became the queen.
“Days rolled into weeks, and weeks rolled into months, and Jene never returned for her illness,” my mother sighed, “and so a new law was made — nobody could hold illness for another person, no matter how much they wanted to.”AdvertisementI neither appreciated nor gave a lot of thought to Jene’s story and my mother’s whispered promise until I grew older and moved away — not physically, but emotionally, in the way that daughters are wont to do.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about dying — not because I want to die, but because I might have to sooner than I’m ready. “Don’t worry if you don’t hear from me for a few days,” I texted my best friend after my most recent diagnosis., I wanted to add, but decided against it. Dying from a progressive disease like hypertensive heart disease also means shielding the people you love from the possibility of it happening. “I’m just so tired, I want to sleep for 200 days and nights,” I typed instead.
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