Are couples doomed to repeat the relationship mistakes made by their parents? Here's what one real-life example shows.
“I’m not your father." Eddie jabs each word with his finger.“He was a charmer. Quite a womanizer. Just ‘cuz I’m good looking like he was…” He winks. “… doesn’t mean I’ve a woman in every port, like he had.”“No. Just one woman too many right here." Eve’s voice slows for emphasis.
“That’s my point." Eddie tries again. “Because I’m friendly with Amy at work, you imagine I’m having an affair with her. Like your Dad would have. You accuse me so you don’t feel like a victim like you saw your Mom. But I’m not your Dad. I’m not having an affair. You’re not your Mom. Or anything like her. And you’re not the victim of any betrayal. “
Although very different, Eddie’s history fits hand-in-glove with Eve’s. His Mom was a screamer who yelled about any little thing. He learned early to keep under her radar to stay out of trouble. So clearly, Eddie leaning away from conflict would surely trigger Eve. “Specifically,” I turn to Eddie, “your Dad was distant while your Mom wore the pants. She yelled when you didn’t get straight A’s, or didn’t look perfect in front of neighbors. She sounds pretty shaming, as was likely done to her. Especially if you showed any needs or dependency. No wonder you lean away from Eve’s strong emotions, which you experience as demands.”
“So while seemingly opposite, neither of your sets of parents helped you to feel safe in a close relationship, let alone trusting. We see how this situation with Amy fits right into both your insecurities. Perception is not intent.”
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