Dear Care and Feeding: I'm so shocked and disappointed to learn my husband has been hiding this part of himself from me.
My 13-year-old daughter, “Fiona,” has recently become very interested in her ancestry. I supported this and got her a membership to Ancestry.com and helped her gather family records on my side.
My husband has been less enthusiastic. He was adopted as a very young child and has always told me he knows nothing about his biological heritage and doesn’t want to find out because his adopted family are his only real family. For the record, my husband and kids are best described as racially ambiguous. Most people would guess a mix of Mongolian, Filipino, or Mexican.Fiona has been directly asking her dad if she can look into the adoption.
I was shocked and hurt at this information, as it meant he had been lying to me for years. I asked him why and he confessed that he has always been embarrassed about being Indigenous, to come from people who were, and I quote, “Pretty much all alcoholics living on welfare.”This is very out of character for him. We live in a southern state but are both liberals. He has always said that he believes poverty and alcoholism are due to systemic factors, not laziness or lack of self-control.
Regarding Fiona: Your husband needs to come to terms with the fact that this secret will probably be revealed at some point. DNA and ancestry sleuthing is more common with each passing day. To me, the question is not if the kids will find out, but when. You and your husband can decide whether you are comfortable letting fate decide that timing, or whether you want to be proactive.
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