'Apparently HALF of American children will get pinworms, and yet somehow nobody warned me.'
“Hey, at least we don’t have to stick a piece of tape on our buttholes first thing in the morning for the next three days to find out if we have them.” My husband attempted to calm my growing panic with these ridiculous words that were, unfortunately, rooted in stone-cold facts. Looking on the bright side of things isn’t in his nature but thankfully he’s good at faking it when he sees me starting to spiral. It didn’t help. “I think my butt is itchy,” is all I could muster in response.
That night around 10pm, my 5-year-old daughter got up and climbed into bed with us. As she snuggled in next to me I was overwhelmed by the smell of shit. “Did you just go to the bathroom?” I whispered in her ear not wanting to wake my husband. “No,” she yawned. “Did you just fart?” “No!” She was getting annoyed.I thought. I pulled the covers back and asked her to come to the bathroom with me.
“What the f*ck was that?” I whispered again when I was sure she was out. “They are pinworms,” he replied gravely and showed me a photo on his phone of some other kid’s shit with exactly the same little white strings in it. “We probably all have them,” he continued. I immediately felt an itch in my butt.
The next morning I made the horrifying discovery of worms in my own poop. I began to fire off all caps texts to my closest friends. Most of them started with “THERE ARE WORMS IN MY BUTT.” The reaction was what you’d expect: a mix of horror and curiosity as well as a few jokes I wasn’t ready for yet but appreciated later. Two mom friends admitted that they had also had pinworms once.When the pediatrician’s office opened, I called and updated the nurse with the dramatic developments of the night.
So, I drove an extra seven cowardly minutes out of my way to get more medication from a different Walgreens where they also only had two boxes left.And just like that, the four of us had poisoned our worms and now all we had to do was wait 48-72 hours while the medication paralyzed them and they left our bodies.
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