Couples can break out of the repetition of negative patterns in relationships.
for help with is repeating negative patterns in their relationships. Often a client will describe a fight with a partner that is emblematic of the issues they want to change about themselves. They’ll describe the fight, and after a few sessions and some self-reflection, they will start to develop a better understanding of what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. However, that doesn’t mean they are suddenly able to change.
It might play out something like this: You have a fight with your partner, and you fall into your pattern. You react a certain way, they react a certain way, the typical dynamic kicks in, the same feelings emerge, and the night is ruined. But as this is happening, part of you is recognizing exactly what’s going on, and wants to avoid it. This part of you is like a captain trying to steer a cruise ship away from an iceberg but unable to change course.
This phase can be super frustrating. It’s like you’re watching yourself do something you know you don’t want to do but you still do it. It's like a horror movie, where you’re yelling at the actor to not go into that creepy old house, because it will only end badly, but they still go into that creepy old house and, of course, it ends badly.
As you work through this process—both the actual fights and the therapy sessions talking about the fights—your captain will start to get more control of the ship. Soon you might be able to actually stop at some point during the next fight as the pattern is playing out and state that you don’t want to act like this, that you don’t want this pattern to continue .
Eventually the captain starts to regain control earlier and earlier in the pattern. Where at first they could only right the ship after the fight was over, they begin to be able to do so earlier in the process. The fights get shorter and shorter as the resolution moves up little by little. The end goal is to find yourself in the same situation, with the same issues and the same conflict and the same patterns about to be followed, but this time you are able to choose to act differently.
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