How to process the loss of the relationship you never had with a parent and begin healing
, on the developmental side, to bad behavior, on the social side, or some mix of both. No matter the genesis, the outcome for the child is typically the same—psychosocial disconnection and a sense of rejection, often leading to resentment and animosity. When conditions are ripe enough, this sensibility can even evolve into a sense of hatred.
Focusing on poor attachment—particularly when it’s connected to ongoing bad behavior—grieving an emotionally estranged parent can be more reactive, rather than situational. We typically expect grief to be in the moment and momentary—a hill we climb and"get over." By contrast, when confronting the grief connected with an emotionally estranged parent, it’s more often that we are grieving the relationship our younger self never had, rather than grieving the actual parent.
When this initial attachment dynamic is somehow distorted or not whole, it often foreshadows a splitting from the parent that, for the child, results in emotional estrangement. The notion that the relationship was never genuinely whole is important to recognize from the perspective of later grief, as the individual ends up grieving something they never had, rather than someone they’ve lost.
Grieving an emotionally estranged parent can bring this paradox into focus, particularly in light of the rehearsal, rumination, and remembrance accompanying any grief experience. This often brings into relief the original genesis of the dynamic and, by association, the recognition that the grieving of the emotionally estranged parent is not about the parent, so much as the lack of genuine, original relationship and attachment.
, self-worth, and social valuation. In reconciling our grief around the relationship we never had, we can begin to heal the relationship we have with ourselves.
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