Dear Annie: About 18 months ago, my daughter, now 29, told my wife and me that she planned to get married in October of this year. The extended wait was so that her partner, “Chris,” whom she already lives with, could finish graduate school. They live about a seven-hour drive from us, so between that and COVID-19, we have seen them only twice since then: at a family funeral last summer and this past Christmas.
Fast-forward to three weeks after Christmas, and we received a postcard saying that they had gotten married in October! The postcard was clearly one that was going to be sent to all who had earlier been given “save-the-date” announcements. The postcard also stated that the original date was still on, but as a celebration and renewal of vows.
After we calmly expressed our thoughts and feelings to her, she said that they had decided to get married early so Chris could get on her health care program as soon as possible. She said that the postcard was sent first to us and Chris’ parents, and others would receive it later. She also said that they waited to tell us because they “wanted time on our own.” At no point did she express concern for our feelings or regrets over how they handled the situation.
Up to this point, we have always been very supportive of her life decisions and felt that our communication with her has been very good. Now we don’t know what to think. Dear Left Out: Of course you are hurt and feel upset. But the tone of your letter makes it sound as if you would like to put your daughter on trial and have her admit to the jury that she handled her elopement all wrong. Isn’t that what elopement is? To run away and get married in secret?
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