A mother asks Abby for advice on dealing with her daughter who blames her for her father's death when she's really angry.
I have a lovely 31-year-old daughter. Her dad and I divorced when she was 12 after our 30-year, often difficult, marriage. My ex developed serious depression that came after significant troubles. Medication didn’t help because he wouldn’t stay on it. We didn’t share a bed for the last seven years of our marriage. We divorced in 2006. My ex took his half of the proceeds of the sale of our home and immediately squandered it all. He became homeless off and on for the next few years.
A couple of years after the divorce, we had a heated argument about child support. He grabbed my hand and tried to break it. I reported the incident, and he was to start court-ordered anger management for a fee. He couldn’t pay the fee, so instead, he committed suicide the day the training was to start.
It has been 14 years since he died. In my daughter’s angriest moments, she blames me for his suicide. I have asked her many times to go to family counseling with me, but she flatly refuses. When she’s not angry or snarky with me, she can be very loving and supportive. I want to go to counseling with her to address the underlying issues. I can’t divorce my only child. What is our way forward? --Your daughter is clearly still struggling with the trauma of losing her father.
Instead of pushing family therapy, see if she would be willing to start with her own therapist or counselor -- as you should, too. In time, I hope she’ll be willing to let you in more and repair your relationship, but her journey of healing might be better off started alone.“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book.
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