In order to procure wealth, success, and fame, many celebrities choose to commit the ultimate sin and sell their soul to the devil. The Onion regrets to inform its readers that the following members of the Hollywood elite are secretly being controlled by Satan.
Anne Hathaway Makes more sense when you find out the actress is 7,000 years old. Richard Kind Once made a five-point golf cart turn in the shape of a pentagram. Rupert Grint Unfortunately, Satan hasn’t done much with his career since the end of the Harry Potter series. Margaret Thatcher Currently dead, so Satan mostly just makes her skeleton do little dances in her coffin. Woody Allen Really more of an open secret.
Joey Chestnut The powers he possesses could not have come from a covenant with a loving God. Billy Joel He has been making Madison Square Garden his own personal realm of the afterlife. Rachael Ray One of her chili recipes is a little too spicy. Jerry Seinfeld Seinfeld cites demonic possession as his excuse for the Jerry Seinfeld Murders of ’03. Kevin James If you play Hitch in reverse at double speed, you’ll hear the actor call for the decimation of all sacred traditions.
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