Advice by Carolyn Hax: Their marriage is “a B.” Do they stay in it for the kids?
Were there some A feelings before the toddlers? Might they return when you stop having toddlers ? Are there obstacles that therapy could clear? And … well, I’m not comfortable with the whole “stay in a marriage for the kids” thing, though the potential trauma for your kids obviously factors into any decisions.I don’t have enough even to guess whether this is a wait-it-out or get-out moment, so I’ll say therapy, solo, to help you with your vision.
Ignoring that doubt now seems foolish, although I’ll never regret our marriage, both from what I learned throughout it and for my children, who are sparkly and wonderful and who amaze me every day. We are in marriage counseling, and I’m still in individual counseling. What I don’t think counseling can heal is that little voice in my head saying, “Not your person, not your person, not your person.”Maybe you aren’t right for each other — again, I can’t know.
Clearly this runs counter to other advice I’ve given. However, if things aren’t working as-is and the idea of leaving doesn’t work, either, then break the framework. Decide he· What is a B marriage, anyway? What’s missing and what doesn’t work? Be careful not to judge your marriage by a fantasy-view of what marriage should be.
· My husband is absolutely MY person. But still, in 20 years, our grades have ranged from an A-plus-plus-plus to a total F-minus. Marriage and raising a family are super hard.· I was in a B relationship for years and am now in an A marriage. But I’ve realized it was not the other person that made it a B, but the choices I made about the relationship. I decided I would make this marriage be the one I wanted. And looking back, I think I could have done that with the B girlfriend.
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